I feel like I'm standing still and the world is going by right now...
I think it's because I'm at home on a sunny Monday in the house while 2 infants are napping and so is the dog. I am milling around the house trying to pick up toys and pack to go up to PA for the week. My husband is out of town. The street is closed because of a tanker accident up the street yesterday, so it's especially quiet at my end of town today. And it's very lonely all of a sudden.
Whenever my husband is out of town I get sad like this. I enjoy his company. I get excited waiting for him to come home at the end of the day, not to lend a helping hand (tho it does make me happy!), but to keep me company. It's how I know I'll enjoy growing old with him. We have our quirks. We drive each other nuts. But in the end I love him to death and miss him oh so dearly when he's not here.
So as I sit here writing and it's peaceful and quiet, I am wishing that we could win the lottery and start growing old together along with our "kids" today.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
When It's Right It's Right
So I know my last entry was a little more pessimistic, but I promise to make it better tonight. After having my own pitty party I have realized that I couldn't have asked for a more perfect match for me than my husband...
When I am off, he is on. When I am down, he is up. When I have no patience, he is the saint of the two of us. When I am crazy he is level headed. When I am irrational, he is thoughtful.
Another girlfriend of mine is about the enter the whirlwind of engagement that leads to marriage, and I have feelings of giddiness and excitement being girly and thinking about the stuff that girls do when they're getting married. It's weird because for my own engagement and wedding I didn't get to have such excitement as that time was tainted a bit, so I live vicariously thru my girlfriends.
But I showed my husband, from long ago when we met, the ring I designed on a diamond website with my girlfriend just playing around if I married him. Amazingly enough I got EXACTLY what I wanted without asking him. He just knew... he knew me. And that's how I know we are perfect together.
When I am off, he is on. When I am down, he is up. When I have no patience, he is the saint of the two of us. When I am crazy he is level headed. When I am irrational, he is thoughtful.
Another girlfriend of mine is about the enter the whirlwind of engagement that leads to marriage, and I have feelings of giddiness and excitement being girly and thinking about the stuff that girls do when they're getting married. It's weird because for my own engagement and wedding I didn't get to have such excitement as that time was tainted a bit, so I live vicariously thru my girlfriends.
But I showed my husband, from long ago when we met, the ring I designed on a diamond website with my girlfriend just playing around if I married him. Amazingly enough I got EXACTLY what I wanted without asking him. He just knew... he knew me. And that's how I know we are perfect together.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
3rd Place Ribbons
When you were a kid, did you ever get a 3rd place ribbon? You sorta feel like a winner, but really it's not the same as being 1st or even 2nd. That's how it feels right now to become a Mother...
I used to be the number 1 priority w/ my husband. I used to matter most. Now I'm in line after the baby, the dog, and then I get affection after the circus calms down and the wind stops blowing by. Sometimes it's a quick kiss before we sit down to eat, sometimes it's the realization that I was forgotten all together. Either way, it just stings anymore.
Tonight I told my husband how this made me feel and instead of him making me feel loved, he got upset w/ me for picking on him. We circle this topic time after time since our son was born. It used to be blamed on the dog, now it's his fault that we have forgotten one another here and there, when in reality it's our own faults. We just don't try like we used to- neither of us. Doesn't mean we don't love each other, doesn't mean we don't care. Just means we don't make the time. Sometimes it doesn't matter because we're so tired, sometimes it doesn't matter because we're ok w/ the temporary (we hope) sacrifice of us, but sometimes it just down right hurts, and tonight is that night for me.
I had a terrible weekend w/ the little bear (my son) and the bad weinie (the dog) while my husband had a great time this weekend doing his thing while he was away from them and he missed them because of it. But instead of taking care of me because I was beaten down by #1 and #2 he took care of them thinking I needed the break. I did, but I needed to be loved just a little bit more. But they took it all and I got nothing. I know this happens, but it just stings when all the odds are against you in one weekend. So in the current race for love and attention, my 3rd place ribbon doesn't mean a whole lot today.
I used to be the number 1 priority w/ my husband. I used to matter most. Now I'm in line after the baby, the dog, and then I get affection after the circus calms down and the wind stops blowing by. Sometimes it's a quick kiss before we sit down to eat, sometimes it's the realization that I was forgotten all together. Either way, it just stings anymore.
Tonight I told my husband how this made me feel and instead of him making me feel loved, he got upset w/ me for picking on him. We circle this topic time after time since our son was born. It used to be blamed on the dog, now it's his fault that we have forgotten one another here and there, when in reality it's our own faults. We just don't try like we used to- neither of us. Doesn't mean we don't love each other, doesn't mean we don't care. Just means we don't make the time. Sometimes it doesn't matter because we're so tired, sometimes it doesn't matter because we're ok w/ the temporary (we hope) sacrifice of us, but sometimes it just down right hurts, and tonight is that night for me.
I had a terrible weekend w/ the little bear (my son) and the bad weinie (the dog) while my husband had a great time this weekend doing his thing while he was away from them and he missed them because of it. But instead of taking care of me because I was beaten down by #1 and #2 he took care of them thinking I needed the break. I did, but I needed to be loved just a little bit more. But they took it all and I got nothing. I know this happens, but it just stings when all the odds are against you in one weekend. So in the current race for love and attention, my 3rd place ribbon doesn't mean a whole lot today.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Team Sports
So raising a child/children is like playing a team sport...
However, there isn't really all that much team spirit sometimes between Mother and Father. Take this for example: My husband and I have differing personalities, thus we mesh well b/c of the opposite attraction theory. And thankfully we have differing times when we're patient, like he could care less to wake up in the middle of the night anymore as before it was me who didn't mind. Now I am so sleep deprived from the pregnancy and breast feeding and baby waking up period in time that when he does it now, I get instantly frustrated. So steps in my husband. And the rest of the times in the day I don't mind entertaining the little one and not taking daytime naps, so it works for us. But what doesn't work is the discipline of the little guy. I know he's too young yet to truly realize right from wrong and understand that he's in trouble for what he just did, but he does understand emotion and tone of voice just fine. I try to stand my ground and let him know that certain behaviors are not going to be tolerated or that they have consequences, but the moment my son makes one wince of upset, there swoops in Fun Daddy to rescue him! Ugh! So instantly my son realizes that Daddy is the good guy and Mommy is the bad lady!
It's the same with eating and diaper changing and getting dressed and not tormenting the dog and...
But what I realize is this- Daddy sees baby for about what, 2-3 hours at night by the time he gets home from work. He needs to make up for the lost day he's had from his son, so he plays and he gets baby excited and wound up! He does the fun bath and bedtime rituals. Mommy spends all day with baby and makes him eat his meals and cut back on junk food and drink his milk. Mommy makes baby get dressed and have his diaper changed so that there isn't a flood on the floor and poop stuck to him all day, and she makes him take naps. Mommy disciplines and sets the routine. She's the bad lady. All this in a 12 hour span while keeping the house together and taking care of the dog as well (remember, my dog is like a 2nd child mind you!). So when Daddy gets home from work they can't get enough of him! And when weekends roll around and the kiddies get to see the Daddy all day it's such a treat for everyone that routine goes out the window and it's so much more fun than it is with Mommy everyday of the week. It's not fair.
Sometimes I get so caught up in the tasks that I feel like I don't get to enjoy this time. And I feel selfish for wanting more time and less responsibility b/c of it. Well, like it's said that it takes a village to raise a child in some cultures, what I realize is in today's fast paced western culture, Mom and Dad at least need to be team mates and not contenders.
However, there isn't really all that much team spirit sometimes between Mother and Father. Take this for example: My husband and I have differing personalities, thus we mesh well b/c of the opposite attraction theory. And thankfully we have differing times when we're patient, like he could care less to wake up in the middle of the night anymore as before it was me who didn't mind. Now I am so sleep deprived from the pregnancy and breast feeding and baby waking up period in time that when he does it now, I get instantly frustrated. So steps in my husband. And the rest of the times in the day I don't mind entertaining the little one and not taking daytime naps, so it works for us. But what doesn't work is the discipline of the little guy. I know he's too young yet to truly realize right from wrong and understand that he's in trouble for what he just did, but he does understand emotion and tone of voice just fine. I try to stand my ground and let him know that certain behaviors are not going to be tolerated or that they have consequences, but the moment my son makes one wince of upset, there swoops in Fun Daddy to rescue him! Ugh! So instantly my son realizes that Daddy is the good guy and Mommy is the bad lady!
It's the same with eating and diaper changing and getting dressed and not tormenting the dog and...
But what I realize is this- Daddy sees baby for about what, 2-3 hours at night by the time he gets home from work. He needs to make up for the lost day he's had from his son, so he plays and he gets baby excited and wound up! He does the fun bath and bedtime rituals. Mommy spends all day with baby and makes him eat his meals and cut back on junk food and drink his milk. Mommy makes baby get dressed and have his diaper changed so that there isn't a flood on the floor and poop stuck to him all day, and she makes him take naps. Mommy disciplines and sets the routine. She's the bad lady. All this in a 12 hour span while keeping the house together and taking care of the dog as well (remember, my dog is like a 2nd child mind you!). So when Daddy gets home from work they can't get enough of him! And when weekends roll around and the kiddies get to see the Daddy all day it's such a treat for everyone that routine goes out the window and it's so much more fun than it is with Mommy everyday of the week. It's not fair.
Sometimes I get so caught up in the tasks that I feel like I don't get to enjoy this time. And I feel selfish for wanting more time and less responsibility b/c of it. Well, like it's said that it takes a village to raise a child in some cultures, what I realize is in today's fast paced western culture, Mom and Dad at least need to be team mates and not contenders.
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